Well, happily it seems that my enemy, the Banshee, aka Light Deprived-Hate the Cold-Depression, has moved on. I know she comes and settles in and thankfully I know from years of experience, that she will ultimately move on. When she is here I have to remember that every day, several times a day. It is hard to dig up gratitude in the midst of this and I am generally on the outside a pretty happy person, I cannot even imagine someone who is not a bit wired to look for the sun. I know people who are not wired to look for the sun and it seems painful.
There is no joy without gratitude. We have to work on being joyful because we often think that joy will be taken away, so we steel ourselves to not being vulnerable. We may not want to get too excited about a joyful experience because we think that the other shoe is sure to drop. Don’t expect too much or you will be disappointed. Don’t get too excited or it will turn soon and go south.
It is like wearing armor or wearing your sunglasses when you are trying to text…you….just…can’t…get it. Examples are when I see how good and kind my hubs is and how patient he is and then I think that he would be better off if he would have met someone less wooo wooo or when I am with my grand babies and the thought in my mind is that I hope nothing horrible happens for them on the way home. Those thoughts just steal my joy.
My hubs is sometimes like that and in certain things he is often right. Just the other day I was contemplating calling a family member for advice on something that we are all emotionally invested in. Since I am a hopeful person for about 9 months a year and the banshee had mostly left I thought I would call. The hubs said, “Are you sure you want to do that? Do what you want, but you know it won’t go well.” Did I listen? Ah…no. Was I disappointed? Yes, mam. The thought still remains that I decided to be vulnerable and it had a chance of going well.
If we are not hopeful and are not vulnerable we may miss out on when it is wonderful or dare I say, joyful. Yes, I have also been reading Brene Brown’s “Daring Greatly”. She helps. If we don’t look for the little times to be grateful and practice being grateful, not just what they call an attitude of gratitude, but a more pointed way. When I feel that shutter of terror that is just hovering there, I will just lean into the grateful and stay with it for as long as I can. This practice, that I am going to use, will bring me more joy.