See Me

I am a mixed bag. When I am in a weight loss mode I am happy to feel good. Like everyone I am happy to be noticed by family and friends to be talked to and acknowledged….for my existence…not necessarily for my weight loss. I would think that seems contradictory from most people’s view of themselves when they have lost weight. Then again when I see someone and they say, “WOW, it looks like you lost weight!”, I feel briefly flattered, but mostly mortified. I guess I think they are saying how horrible I looked before and now happy that I may actually be heading toward normal.

The other odd thing is that it bothers me more when some people say it and not all people. I think it bothers me when people that aren’t seeing the real me comment and it doesn’t bother me when I know they see the real me and they comment.

When I was a teen my mom got me admitted for a whole week into the hospital so they could run tests to see why I was so fat. I was given two bariatric tests and many other tests to see why I was fat. Ultimately I was put on amphetamines and lost a lot until I was “normal”. Now this isn’t a bash on my mom as she really did think something was physically wrong with me and tried to fix it. Moms attempt to fix things they think are wrong if they can. She might have had a alternative idea what was healthy, but she meant well. She is from a generation that seemed to be more focused on appearance.

My grandma on the other had, my mom’s mother never, said a word about my weight loss. It was a little weird that she never mentioned it. She herself was 94 pounds. She was proud of that number and told me that, but never verbally said what I should be. I even told her what amount I lost trying to get a reaction and she said, “That’s nice. Pretty is as pretty does.” Later in my life I came to see that non mentioning it was a gift. She didn’t care if I was thin or fat, so when I gained the weight back and more she didn’t mention that either. She only cared if she was thin. If I said more about it during my life she would say that her oldest sister was a large person, was kind, hardworking and that she respected her.

I don’t know what I want other than to be seen for the real me. I think that we all do.