When my friend from my college days lays in a hospital bed three states away and she is not well at all, I think of loss. When my friend’s mother passed away this week, I think of loss. I think of my friend’s husband who is also sick and I think of loss. I do think of the one dying too, their families and the days filled with sadness and grief, but I don’t think I am alone when I say, that I dwell on my own worries regarding their losses. I am selfish to think of other friends that are near and dear that may leave me before I believe I am ready. I think of the dying of my in-laws, my own mother, though not imminent, it is coming. The thing is that so is my death. My dad used to say some quote from another when he knew that he was dying, ” I am not scared to die, I just don’t want to be here when it happens.”
I have been obsessing all week over my husband’s longevity and those of my friends and family. I told Rick a few times this week, “Don’t leave,” although I know it is going to happen some day. I am concerned with my children and their people and find myself talking to God about their lives. Don’t leave kids. My friend from Virginia is here to visit and I don’t want her to leave either. My friend from Nebraska needs to stay too although she is in Nebraska. I don’t mean leave. I mean leave leave…like leave me here….on Earth while they’re hanging with Jesus and I am here working at the store or watching blathering on in my blog.
Is this an age thing? I turned the big 6 0 last month and maybe that is it. I went to a play at my high school when I was a student entitled, “Death Takes a Holiday”. It would seem that it would be a very good thing, but as the news reports flowed in the script it was not a good thing. There it seemed like death was welcomed to relieve the suffering and it was truly horrible if death did take a holiday.
There have been times in my life that I asked God to take someone’s earthly life so there would be less pain for them. Those are the times when I had to ask myself if I was asking so I would be free of seeing them suffer or the end of their suffering for their sake. I would beat myself up on those thoughts trying to decide if I was just selfish and then let it go as I am not the decider of these things anyway. The Divine works out things for the best interest of all not just me.
So here I sit typing out my feelings. Talking to God about what is going on. I sometimes say, “God is going to do what God is going to do so there is no use for asking for help.” Then I remember that I actually said that out loud to someone and they reminded me how much I long to talk to my own children and that is the same with God. The Divine longs to talk to be with me in thought, conversation and action.
There is still a sting while we lose our loved ones, but while I talk to the Divine about this I am reminded that the sting is removed by love in action that has worked this all out. I don’t understand it. I don’t really want to like not being in charge of it all and then I am grateful that I am not.
Calm my heart. Make my monologue a conversation with you. Take my tears and turn them to light and because I love because someone first loved me, calm my dear ones’ hearts, turn their monologues to conversations, catch their tears and turn them into light. Amen.